Absence of existence

Absence of existence – 

Swirling in my head my existence is a blur

I have become myself and a reflection that is a mystery to me.

Counting the times I have felt myself outside my body,

Floating above me and wondering what happened to the child

That thought it all could happen.

I look down at myself and see a shell, a fragile piece of what was a stronger core.

Everything makes no sense but what sense is there to make of a world where you feel alone, abandoned, outcast, and surely brokenhearted.

A heart that has been hurt, that has been damaged for so long, it no longer knows how to accept joy.

Fear resides in the shell of me, of rape, of death, of just being alone. I no longer feel I can relate to others. My senses are so heightened that I feel the pain of others as if they are my own. Carrying the weight of sadness on your shoulders day in day out, and having no one to tell. Who can understand this pain? Why would I want to burden another with such sorrow? To make someone feel the way I feel would only bring more pain.

I keep staring at the shell of myself lying in her bed, her sanctuary, and I feel sad for her. This is the only place she feels safe, the covers and pillows are a haven to an abandoned heart. The shell of me stares absently at the window thinking of other people who are having fun and normal lives, and you know that is not you. Will it be you?